"Hey Baby... wake up, it's time to get ready for work". These words Monday through Friday are spoken to me in a kind, gentle loving tone by my Lover of three years, seven months and six days. Strange to count the time spent loving someone, my Lover keeps telling me. Shara and I met at a Baptist Women's Weekend Retreat, Shara was one of the many key note speakers at the retreat, the moment I heard her speak on the importance of being true to thine self and saw the love that seemed to envelope her whole being I knew I had to meet her. After Shara's session was over I made my way to her table to introduce myself just to let this dynamic speaker know indeed, she'd touched and inspired my very soul with her words of wisdom and inspiration. "Oh my God" I thought to myself she has the most beautiful smile that I've ever seen and her eyes looked as though she was directly reading my mind, at that second I felt such a warm sensation like a tingle that ran from my head down to my spine, and I knew I had to know her better... as we talked she mentioned that she lived in a State, approximently three hundred miles North of where I lived. Shara told me she was a Mother of two grown children a Son and Daughter both who live independently with good careers, she also stated she'd been divorced for the last nine years and enjoyed the freedom of single life. I told Shara I'd never married and it seemed as if I'd never expierence the excitement of walking down the isle of or into martial bliss as it's often made out to be, on that special day called Wedding.
The day we met each other
was on Friday and by Sunday we found ourselves inseparable, we ate all
of our meals at the same table focussing on learning more and more about
one another, while completely
unaware of the many other women that surrounded us at the retreat. Sunday afternoon was set for the completion of the weekend retreat, I felt such a sadness I'd not been able to fully understand never exploring or consciously admitting the attraction I felt for her and the fact that indeed I was more attracted to females other than men who consquently always tried to vie for my attention. As my Taxi pulled up to the Hotel to take me to the Airport, Shara and I hugged as if we had known each other for many years, we promised to keep in contact by exchanging our telephone numbers, and e-mail address. I invited her to visit me whenever she was in the area or just felt like getting away, for where I live is a resort area
very popular to tourist and neglected by me, since being so involved in my Law practice of six-teen years. Two weeks had passed and no word from Shara, I'd called her house several times in the Evenings over a course of two weeks just to say "Hello" however, the phone just rang and rang. Oh well! I thought maybe she's speaking at another engagement that she didn't mention or perhaps I'd forgotten or... visiting with family or friends for a couple of weeks, so I thought no biggie!!! Time passed and still to my own surpriseI kept seeing her face in my mind, concentration had narrowed down to only one thought.... and that thought was of her! Multiple e-mails sent along with un-answered telephone calls to her house and at that point I started to panic, something just had to be wrong but what?
I had, had enough of not knowing where the hell Shara was and to be honest the curiousity alone was torture itself... Where the hell was she!!!
By this time three months had passed and no response from her. I found something out about myself, that I never wanted to face... this woman who had entered into my life, had now taken control of my life with my constant desire to see and and talk to her again. I'd let myself fantasize about romantic walks on the Beach late at night and dreamed of Candlelight Dinners ending with passionate lovemaking. I saw us in the bed together absorbed in deep intimate bedroom conversations. Come on back to reality.... I thought and repeated out loud to myself, I'd never been with a female and wouldn't know what to do besides... the thought of "going down" on a woman didn't exactly seem like a pleasurable event that I would want to venture...not to forget, I'm straight and everyone knows it, if I wasn't my Mother sure as hell is hot... would remind me and call on the Elder's of her Church to cast the "demon" of homosexuality out of me. At thirty-nine this certainly wasn't a good time to re-arrange or change my whole lifestyle over someone I'd met at a Weekend Retreat and the logic of it all, suddenly registered in my head... here I was at the pentacle of my career and highly sought out to represent many clients due to my track record of tremendous success with the many cases I represent, even I was damn proud of myself, for the having such a reputation as being an excellant Lawyer. One year had passed... and the annual retreat was set for the last weekend in March, I had multiple thoughts of attending along with great hesitance all at the same time, finally I'd made up my mind that I would go. Shara was there... as I had prayed that she would be and immediately our eyes met and emotions inside me swelled up, we tenderly embraced as long lost friends who had been re-united for the very first time in fifty years, in the Lobby of the Hotel. Feelings of desires complicated with intensity overcame me and suddenly out of nowhere without thinking, I said to Shara, "I love you, where have you been all of my life" with tears streaking down the cheeks of my face, I walked away ashamed of the words that I'd spoken. The entire Saturday I stayed in my Hotel room as if on "lock-down, like a criminal myself praying that Sunday would come sooner then soon... so I could get my shit together and head back home, and forget what I had said to Shara.
Saturday Evening around 10:30 there came a knock at my door...who in the hell, would be visiting at this time of night, I muttered under my breath...after all I really didn't know too many of the women at the retreat this year. It was Shara at the other side of the door when I opened it, she was wearing a silk red housecoat and I could see under the housecoat she had absolutely nothing on, she kissed me immediately after I let her in and the door was shut. Her kisses were long and sweet, her lips full and satisfying. Shara led me to my bed and slowly showed me a side of ectasy I'd never known or ever felt before. As she put her beautiful head between my legs and stroked my thighs with her soft warm hands, I could feel every sensual motion her tongue made to satisfy me completely as I moaned with pleasure and screamed her name when I climaxed. Damn... was I ever hooked. She later that told me after making love to me that she was terminal and had been diagnoised with having a rare Cancer last year, and her Doctor had anticipated a life expectancy of only two years, she told of how the Cancer had spread and affected other organs in her body and her constant refusal of Chemo-therapy or other invasive measures her Doctor wanted to initiate. Shara stated to me how she wanted to die with dignity and believed whole heartedly that God was still in control of the situation and his miraculous healing still existed. While still lying in bed together in the dark of what was left of the Night we held each other as if the world had suddenly stopped just for us. I cried trying to hold back the sobs so Shara wouldn't hear, my thoughts of what was said kept me continiously awoke that night, for the first time in my life I felt what had been described by many... love. Yes, I was in love with Shara and the one I loved would be leaving me before love had a chance to develope and nuture into full bloom. In the Morning we awoke and took a long hot shower together and returned back to bed, for more intense love making... I gave Shara pleasure and her nectar tasted good, she whispered my name while stroking my hair and called out loud my name as she exploded with full satisfaction. We had Lunch later that Afternoon in the Hotel restuarant with all the many other women surrounding us, and just as last year we remained oblivious of their presence.
It's now has been... three
years, seven months, and six days of being together as one, and I'm more
in love today with my Shara, than I was yesterday... our love grows with
each passing day. Shara relocated to live with me three months after the
second retreat we attended and yes, God still is in the miracle business,
we just take one day at a time and enjoy one another completely. My family
supports my feelings for Shara and my Mother just says, "I'm praying for
the two of you" I think and know the whole concept of me being in
love with a female has been hard for Mom, but she's adjusting. Shara's
children visit as often as their busy schedules allows them too and treat
me as if I've been a part of their family for many years, both her Son
and Daughter are supportative of Shara's lifestyle and both are as it's
called "straight". I've lost some friends due to my choice to love who
I love, life has been drastically different since...." Coming out
of the closet" .... but the words spoken by my Lover during the first retreat
still rings loud and clear in my mind, heart and soul... "Just Be True
To Thine Ownself".